I CAN MOONWALK!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
