We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We left the knife in your bed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize