Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
