you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
