we have pet lesbian snakes
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
