textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
