Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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