Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Redeem this text for a blowjob
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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