you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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