woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
