We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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