Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
