If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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