can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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