Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
