Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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