Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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