no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
