yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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