Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
