I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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