i just wanna soil my oats bro
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize