the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
