There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
