i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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