Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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