we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
