when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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