I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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