i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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