It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
