I wish my penis had an off switch
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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