I wish life had little blips of pornography
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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