Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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