He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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