if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
