1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize