Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
