you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
