Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
