well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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