6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize