He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
