chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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