i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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