Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
