i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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