How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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