Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
