....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
