there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
