Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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