Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
