I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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