If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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