I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
