We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize