that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
