when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
