can we get nightvision for the apartment?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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