I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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