A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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