I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so let's talk penis.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
